Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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