You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
