I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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