Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
