Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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