you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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