All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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