My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
