after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
