It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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