he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
