No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
