sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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