Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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