The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
