Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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