btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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