nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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