Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
