I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
