return my video game
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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