the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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