I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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