dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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