I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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