I like my sex mixed with concussions.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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