My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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