I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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