Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
