It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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