I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
