Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize