So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
