I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We need to rekindle our bromance
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize