it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
