watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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