If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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