I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
