I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
