I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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