two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
