Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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