I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There r osticjed everywhere
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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