It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
