My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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