The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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