now i know why i became what i already was.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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