I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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