my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
