You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize