i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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