he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
