All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will be naked everywhere
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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