Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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