This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
