i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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