I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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