My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
