I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
