Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
