my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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